how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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