is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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