clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize