i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize