I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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