I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize