yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
