Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
