omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
