Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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