my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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