i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
