Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
