i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
