I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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