I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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