I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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