Screwed.edu
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
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