You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
