I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
