So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
