I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
