i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
