I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
