and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
