officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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