Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize