Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Randomize
