The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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