a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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