i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize