Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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