david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize