Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize