1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
