I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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