Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Farmville is her only friend.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
