haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
