He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
