Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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