I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
