dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
