Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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