I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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