dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I look better un-naked...
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
