I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
