wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
i've created a new STD.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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