I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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