I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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