I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
