So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize