I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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