We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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