They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
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