and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
