i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
