the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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