Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
This is my gift to your gina
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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